lawrence星期二熬了一个通宵,终于把毕业论文定稿了。索引、致谢词什么的不算,正文恰恰100页。不算很长,不过应该也可以交差了。算计了一下,答辩前还有些准备工作要做,不过差不多按部就班,心里已经很稳当了。不过身体是非常的疲劳了。本来致谢词想写得很煽情的,不过后来还是改了主意,四平八稳。

这几天的夜里忙里偷闲,阅读Jeremy Wilson的『阿拉伯的劳伦斯』。厚厚的书有一千多页,不知何年何月才读得完。不过我自己给自己规定,一本书不读完,坚决不打开下一本。

T.E. Lawrence的人生,用中国的古词来说,就是那种“不如意事、十常居八九”的一类,正是所谓的悲剧英雄,所以看的时候心里总是沉沉的。但也有一种特别的安静。

他同阿拉伯少年Dahoum之间的瓜葛,世间则是众说纷纭。既有坚决认定是子虚乌有的,也有写得极香艳、乃至到龌龊程度的。劳伦斯自己写道:

I wrought for him freedom to lighten his sad eyes, but he had died waiting for me. So I threw my gift away and now not anywhere will I find rest and peace.

另外他的一首诗里也写道:

I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands,
and wrote my will across the sky in stars
To gain you freedom, the seven-pillared worthy house,
that your eyes might be shining for me
When I came.

Death was my servant on the road, till we were near
and saw you waiting:
When you smiled, and in sorrowful envy he outran me,
and took you apart
Into his quietness.

So our love’s earning was your cast-off body,
to be held one moment
Before Earth’s soft hands would explore all your face,
and the blind worms transmute
Your failing substance.

Men prayed me to set my work, the inviolate house,
in memory of you:
But for fit monument I shattered it unfinished, and now
The little things creep out and patch themselves hovels
in the marred shadow
Of your gift. 

看到这些,真相估计也就不言自明了。

史书中的劳伦斯是阿拉伯人的救主,英国人的骄傲。不过他自己在一封书信里则说:

I liked a particular Arab very much, and I thought that freedom for the race(指把阿拉伯从奥斯曼帝国的统治下解放出来)would be an acceptable present.

这似乎颇有损他的圣徒形象。原来翻天覆地、出生入死的,只是为了成就他对Dahoum的爱情。但我则是很一厢情愿的坚信,哪怕Dahoum从未出现,劳伦斯在那样的时代还是同样会为阿拉伯民族而战。

到美国这几年来,自己看人的态度转变颇大。年轻时始终欣赏的是热衷的人物,很难对劳伦斯这样淡泊的人提起兴致来。但不知何时起,口味就慢慢改了。到现在,只有那些ego很小、胸怀很阔的,才能入得法眼;否则,哪怕再是叱咤风云、指点江山的成功者,也懒得去留意了。

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